I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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