3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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