Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
