Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Randomize
