it hurts more in the daytime
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Randomize
