I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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