Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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