Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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