had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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