A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He kissed a someone with a penis
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
