i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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