I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
