Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dignity is for republicans.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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