He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
