Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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