I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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