So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
