Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
