Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Actions speak louder than pants.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
