I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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