If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
