I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
