it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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