I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
