Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
