i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I want to fling myself into the sun
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