god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
