ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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