I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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