my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
