Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
