I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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