Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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