White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
