my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
