hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
