I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
