i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
