i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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