Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
