6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
