I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I got inside last night via doggy door
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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