He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
