it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
