i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You have to summon your inner elephant
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
