Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
