Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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