i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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