just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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