I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
