There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
