I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
