At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
