It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize