your parents love me but you hate me
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
