im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
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I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
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He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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