I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
