A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize