No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
