he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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