I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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