Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
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Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
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The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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