On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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